'Divorced and it's hard to tell my new man I don't have as much cash as him'

Dear Coleen

I’m a divorced woman in my 40s and I have had to get used to a big change in lifestyle.

I downsized to a small place with my three kids after we sold the family home and I don’t have a lot of spare cash to spare. I do work, but only part-time, in order to be there for the kids, so I’m not earning much.

My ex has his own business and is successful, so I was used to a certain lifestyle – big house, nice car and money for holidays, clothes, and a great social life.

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My dilemma is, I’ve been dating this man I met through an app, who’s a dream, but I can’t compete with him in terms of income to do things. I’d find it embarrassing to say I can’t afford to go out with him and I don’t want to ask him to pay for me, so I often turn him down when he invites me out.

I realise this is a first-world problem – my kids are doing OK and we have a roof over our heads – so that’s the main thing. But dating again feels so alien and I don’t know what to do in this situation. It feels awkward having to talk to him about money when I’m still getting to know him. Any advice?

Coleen says

For me, there’s nothing wrong, weird or shameful about being honest in this situation. It doesn’t have to be a big, deep conversation, but the next time he suggests going to a fancy restaurant, for example, you could say something like, “You know what, since the divorce I need to be careful with money and I don’t want you to feel under pressure to pay.”

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That’s the truth and honesty at the start of a new relationship is very important. But look, if he’s inviting you and he says he’s happy to pay, then let him.

It’s not like you’re the one constantly suggesting things you can’t afford. He knows you’re a single parent with three kids who works part time, so I’m sure he understands that you don’t have money to burn.

Maybe you can take him for a coffee or to the cinema when you can afford it or make a lovely meal at home for the two of you when the kids are with their dad.

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Try not to overthink it and put obstacles in the way that don’t have to be there.

And if he did say that he wants to be with someone who can match him financially, then he’s not right for you and he also has a weird set of values if money is at the top of his wish list for a partner.

Lots of single parents and people dating after divorce are in the same situation, and if this guy is as nice as you say he is, he’ll have empathy for you and won’t use it to cause an issue. Good luck.