'I'm my sister's carer so can't leave her to fly to daughter's wedding'

Dear Coleen

Our only daughter and her fiancé are getting married in Denmark in a few weeks, as it’s where he’s from and where they met.

She invited me and her dad, of course, but we can’t go as my sister is extremely ill and I’ve been caring for her, as she doesn’t have a partner and has no children either.

The only guests at the wedding will be my daughter’s fiancé’s mum and his younger brother. They’re going out for a nice dinner afterwards and then the newlyweds are flying off on honeymoon.

My daughter didn’t want any fuss as she was engaged to be married a few years ago and her fiancé called it off just a few weeks before the big day. ­

READ MORE:

She was so devastated and humiliated – it almost broke her physically and emotionally – and it took her a long time to move on, so I understand why this wedding is low key.

She’s very upset that we can’t be there – her dad didn’t want to go without me and feels he needs to be here to support me with my sister.

I’m also heartbroken, but I don’t see what can be done. I can’t help but feel excluded by this decision to marry abroad, even though I understand the reasons.

I’ve been crying myself to sleep, although I wouldn’t want my daughter to know this. She has said they’ll have a bigger celebration here, which they’ll plan after the honeymoon. It’ll be lovely, but not the same as being there when she gets married. Am I overreacting?

Coleen says

I don’t think you’re overreacting in the sense that it hurts you can’t be there with your daughter. I also understand why your daughter wants to do things her way, on a very small scale, given what happened previously.

As difficult as it is, keep reminding yourself that it’s her choice and she deserves to have the wedding she wants.

It might help to start focusing on the celebration – maybe it’s something you can help her to plan and organise? That way you’ll feel very involved in making it a fantastic day with wonderful memories to look back on. I know several couples who’ve chosen to get married on their own and had a ­celebration party at a later date and, honestly, it’s been just as special. You can take tons of photos and make speeches.

READ MORE:

So, dig deep, support your daughter and wish her the best because it’ll be hard for her without you there, even though she understands you have a very good reason.

But I’m sure you’ll be her first call after the wedding, and she’ll send you photos. I’m certain she hasn’t chosen to get married this way to exclude you and it seems fitting to tie the knot in the place she met her fiancé.

Talk to her and come up with a plan about how you can be part of the celebrations when they get back.